I can not leave the library on a trip around the country by myself, for an indeterminable about of time, wihtout saying some words about the love and genius of Barbie before I go.
Looking back before I met Barbie, I had a kind of a half life. I was stuck in the walls of my own mind trying with all my might to keep the tiny world I had built around me from crushing my soul. I engaged in the rat race of bickering and snideness regarding my co-workers. I roamed around the house at night, sometimes punching holes in walls and crushing light switches, releasing my frustrations in an unpredictable frightening sleepwalking violence. I sped down I-5 at over a hundred miles an hour looking for someone to road rage. I willing became mired in costly, compromised, sickly female relationships. I would spend my time going from work, to home, to video/computer games, to TV, eating junk and lashing out at at those who looked, thought, acted, different from me. My selfishism was all encompassing. There was no one in the world but me, and those people who were put here to serve me and be blessed by my presence whenever I was goodly enough to grace them with it.
Sometimes I think back at that person and I can not help but shake my head and think, "What an asshole"...
Then Barbie came into my life and all of this began to change, slowly and intangibly like the tides shifting from low to high. Her arrival punched a tiny hole into my pathetic microcosm of blackness. A ray of light shot through the black and scorched my waxy pale flesh. Seeing myself exposed as such was painful but I got used to it. I started to like the possibilities involved.
And now I can safely say that I have never loved anyone more than I love Barbara Swayze.
She has been a constant source of inspiration and wonder since we have been together.
She has given me the confidence to write my stories, endowing my tales with the magic of her shiny red pen, allowing me to mold the raw gooey matter of my imagination into something tangible and legible and worthy of gifting to people that I love and to The World.
She showed me the power of watching and soaking up movies/T.V./books that are not specifically manipulative and edgy. The kind of movies that have heart and soul and bring joy into my being.
She tore down the stigma I had about self help. Opening the doorway to my evolution and creativity. Showing me that a life of fear and smallness is no kind of life worth living. Showing me that there is such a thing as a selfless act that is done solely for the purpose of helping somebody else and not for the personal feelings of glory and satisfaction that comes with helping your fellow man. She taught me about the power of win-win situations, giving as a spiritual act and always looking for the best solution for all involved to the problems we face in life.
She woke me up to the reality that in this life we all get to decide to do what we want to. We get to decide how and who and what we want to be and that when we decide, there is nothing in teh Universe that can stop us. Every day we have the power of choice. And this power makes us human. And that power has the power to either make us mighty or turn us wicked.
Occasionally I choose to revert back to a place near to that person I used to be Before Barbie. Thankfully she does not stand for that at all and I am reminded, in the most playful and humorous ways, of what an ass I can look like.
I would not be making this trip if it were not for Barbara Swayze. <== Nice double neg. Her help and inspiration, even for a thing that will keep us apart for a time that is longer than either of us are too thrilled about, is nothing short of miraculous. What small gifts I can give her, a promise to stay true. A promise to return which I will do. A promise to keep contact and make myself available to her as often as possible which I am working on right now. These are the easy parts for me.
Someone once said that a healthy relationship is one where both people each feel like they got the better end of the deal. I know that I feel this way about you. That I am so lucky to have you. I hope that I can continue to rise up and be the man who deserves you. I love you Barbie. I love your heart, your head, your genius, your skin, your beauty, your calm, your sass, your wonder, your joy. There is so much more I can and will say but instead I will stop writing and leave you with these three pictures that sums up how I feel just as well:
July 13, 2014
3 years ago