The last two days I have been focused on the celebration of purging my house/life of many of the things I will not be needing while out on this adventure. I completely understand and believe in the concept of removing things from your life to make room for the magic to come flowing in. And after a couple of days of intense possession removal on Friday and Saturday, last night I felt the shivery euphoria of really letting things go. And it was good. Damn good.
This morning I woke up a little bit hot, sweaty, lethargic and scared. I am not sure what happened between then and now to effect this change but here it is. IT feels like something. Fear, or loneliness. Maybe it is the fear of being alone, which is something that other people who have taken on a trip like this have talked about and is something I have not really experienced before.
Ever since I moved out of my parents house years ago I have always lived alone and I have always loved it. But something new has a grip on my chest this morning. I think it is the thought of being alone + putting so much distance between the people I love = this fear that I am feeling this morning and am not sure how to deal with.
Last Thursday before I left work I send out an email to all the staff at the library system where I have work who I had crossed paths with during my 11 years there. It felt good to put myself out there to those who I care about and who I thought cared about me. Taking a break on Friday I checked the account remotely to see if I had any replies.
It is hard to put into words how powerful the response was so I will just say that the energy had me understand and totally empathize how George Bailey feels at the end of "It's a Wonderful Life". I had guessed that the number of replies would be about 5. My Barbie, who has been helping me over the last couple of days with the packing, and to be perfectly honest, in just about every area of my life since she we have been together, thought that was ridiculous and guessed that the number would be much much more. She was right, of course. I hand picked three or four responses to read just then and I could not get any farther than that. The support and love contained within was something I was completely unprepared for.
I have read them all now and the sentiments and power of the words of people I love at the library have brought me back up. I am wondering now if the removal of the things from my home/life has made room for this influx of powerful prayers and words and genius that have been showered upon me. I believe they are connected but who knows for sure... What I do know is that I am so grateful for these people I have spent time with and shared so much laughter and joy with for over the last decade. I am going to print out hard copies of these emails and take them with me so if I am feeling lonely and down on the road, I can flip through these thoughts of genius, support and love and use them to bring me back to my feet if I need it. Oh yeah!
And one more time because it can not be said enough. Thank you so much to all of my friends from the library. I would love to paste every reply and who they came from on this blog but I have been careless with peoples words in the past and I am trying to learn from my mistakes. You are all amazing and I hope I will be able to keep in touch with all of you for the rest of my days.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Time to get back to work.
July 13, 2014
3 years ago